Our Parents Grow Old, How Do We Take Care Of Them?

There is a fact that worries us more every day: the old age of our parents. For one thing, the physical or mental decline of those who once cared for us can be difficult to bear. On the other hand, many times, the growing demand for time and care entails an overload accompanied by guilt and self-reproach. What can we do about this situation? Is there a way that both the parents and the children who have to take care of them suffer as little as possible?

How to take care of parents when they are older

“They took care of us when we were children, so now it’s our turn to take care of them.” This well-known phrase conveys a very noble idea, but it has the problem that it is based on commercial criteria: “You gave me that, so now I owe you this.”

According to this logic, children gradually incur a debt with their parents to the extent that they receive their care until the day when they will finally be able to pay it off by taking care of them.

Actually, when we talk about love, it is difficult to do calculations. That the children are indebted to their parents for what they have received from them sounds a bit strange. It is also said that the debt with the parents is not paid with them, but with the children themselves. The truth is that we continue talking about calculations and exchange.

What parents give to their children does not generate any debt, does not require “repayment” or subsequent “payment”

If anything, the “payment” is to have healthy children; the “payment” for raising them is to see them capable of developing in the world; the “payment” for the love we give them is in the joy that comes from loving without expecting anything in return.

It is not an exchange, it is love

Not even the most fundamental thing that we have given them, life itself, requires any compensation, because by giving it we have received the enormous, unquantifiable reward of being fathers and mothers, of watching them grow.

Therefore, the calculation of the debt does not work either when we talk about our parents. Many times we think that taking care of them in old age is an obligation that we must assume, although, in general, the obligations are not carried out with much good will.

It would be desirable that we take care of them motivated by the desire that they go through this stage in the best possible way instead of thinking from guilt: “I have no other choice after everything they did for me.”

We can be grateful; but if we are, it is precisely because we are outside the logic of exchange

Sometimes children go beyond their own limits, in the care of their parents. It is not easy to establish when they are being crossed; However, when the caregiver feels that his life has stopped too long or that annoyance and resentment are beginning to appear in the foreground, he may be approaching the limit of his delivery.

If we exceed ourselves, we run significant risks: neglecting our own lives too much, serving the other full of reproaches or making him feel that he is a burden to us.

When these limits are crossed, consider the need for professional support to keep our love intact

Accompany in difficult moments

When my first child was a few weeks old, there would come a time of day when he would start crying and would not stop. I carried him, rocked him, talked to him, put him in his stroller, walked him, did everything I could think of to try to calm him … but nothing worked. He almost always ended up exhausted. I told my therapist what was happening and he told me:

—Think about what he must feel: he doesn’t understand anything, he perceives things in his body and he doesn’t understand what it is about, he has no way of expressing himself, you talk to him and he doesn’t understand words … It must be quite difficult, right? do you think

“You’re right,” I said.

“So,” he continued, “don’t want to calm him down, don’t try to make him stop crying.” Instead, try to accompany him with what happens to him.

“Accompany him with what happens to him.” The relief that phrase produced in me was enormous. From that day on, every afternoon that I found my son in my arms crying, I concentrated on accompanying him and comforting him, not on disguising what was happening. I had a better time and honestly, I think he did too. With our older parents we find ourselves in similar situations.

Actually, all we can do is accompany them with what happens to them.

If we focus on “saving” them, on changing objective reality, perhaps we are avoiding doing the most important thing : being there, with them, whatever happens.

Let go of your own desire

Another very controversial issue is the way in which we try to extend the lives of our elderly, whatever that may be. Extending life is not always desirable, especially when this is not what the person chooses for himself.

My paternal great-grandfather was a chain smoker. He prided himself, they say, on using only one match a day: the first in the morning, then lighting each new cigarette with the butt of the previous one. He was about 75 years old when my father and grandfather took him to the doctor, since his health left a lot to be desired. The doctor examined him and found that, as expected, his lungs were severely affected.

“You must stop smoking immediately,” the doctor told my great-grandfather when he finished examining him. Otherwise, it will die in a few months.

“And if I quit smoking,” said my great-grandfather, “how long can I live?”

“If you stop smoking …” replied the doctor, giving him a hopeful smile, “you can live for ten years!”

“Ten years without smoking!” Exclaimed my great-grandfather. You are crazy.

If the doctor had said “five years”, maybe my great-grandfather would have accepted, but ten was too many. He continued smoking as usual and died two or three years later.

It is not about making an apology for cigarettes or any other harmful behavior. This anecdote underscores that health care, in the sense of lengthening life as long as possible, is not the only thing we must take into account. We must also consider what kind of life the person will have and, above all, what they want to have. Perhaps for my great-grandfather three years of smoking were really better than ten years without smoking … Can we judge what was really better for him?

Taking into account the wishes of our elderly parents, considering what makes sense for them, is a task with which we must take special care, even if it means giving up our selfish wishes to have them with us for a while longer.

4 keys to taking care of our elders

As our parents get older, the situation can get complicated. It is convenient to be clear about what is most important.

1. Be realistic

We need to carefully assess our expectations for the health of our parents. Being as realistic as possible about this issue will help us avoid frustrations and better schedule your care and assistance.

2. Respect your wishes

As much as the capacities of our elders are diminished, they are full-fledged adults with a long life in tow. We should be condescending to them and not judge them incapable of understanding or deciding. For example, you should not hide your health information from them; we may be denying them the possibility of deciding on themselves.

3. Always ask

We must consult and listen to our parents both in relation to their treatments and care as well as how to organize their time. In some cases, such as severe dementia, we may assume that there will be no response or that the response will be meaningless, but it is worth a try.

4. Allow ourselves to be sad

The processes of slow deterioration imply, in some way, losing the person. Having time and someone with whom to share that grief will be crucial to cope without having to arm yourself with an “emotional armor” that is later difficult to get rid of.