Discovering The Meaning Of Fears And Phobias

Contrary to what many people think, fear is useful. Not to listen to blindly, not to use as a guide. Only if we learn to interpret it can we turn it into a tool for self-knowledge and it marks a path for us to grow.

Marta consults me for her fear of speaking in public: “I know the subject I have to talk about, but the very idea of ​​imagining myself on stage terrifies me. I’m afraid of stuttering, not knowing what to say, making a fool of myself, making a mistake … ”. Like Marta, we all know what it is to feel fear sometimes.

The problem arises when we have not learned how to make it stop or prevent it from becoming chronic.

But what is fear? It is the feeling of anguish at the perception of a threat. Although, in reality, there is nothing that is in itself a threat. A threat becomes such when we do not have the necessary resources to solve the problem that is presented to us.

For example, driving at 300 km per hour can be very scary for most of us, but it is not so for a Formula 1 racer. This distinction seems obvious, but it is necessary to make it explicit to understand what the sense of fear is and how. we can handle it.

The useful and the useless fear

Every time we are faced with a threat that exceeds the resources we have to solve it, we feel fear.

Fear is the signal that informs us of this dangerous disproportion. It is like pain, a signal sent by the brain to indicate that an area of ​​our body is in danger. Although it is not pleasant to receive these messages, it is what allows us to remove our hand from the fire before burning it completely.

Fear fulfills the same function: it alerts us to dangers to make our survival possible. However, this very valuable signal can be distorted and become a chronic condition that tortures and immobilizes us.

So we can talk about two types of fear:

• A functional fear, which protects us and guides us to detect the problem to be solved,
• A dysfunctional fear, which is pure sterile illness.

Types of fear: some functional, some dysfunctional

What contributes to feeling dysfunctional fear? Especially certain deeply rooted erroneous beliefs such as:

“The problem is fear. If you can not feel it, you will see that you can face the situation without difficulty. “

“Fear is a negative emotion that is pure disturbance and the resource that allows you not to feel it will be of great help to your functioning.”

Typical phrases emerge from this belief, such as:

“Don’t be afraid!”, “You have to overcome fear!”, “Don’t be a coward!”, “Fear is a sign of weakness!” “Men are not afraid!”.

This attitude has helped turn fear into an unworthy emotion. Every time we say that someone did not do something out of fear, a tone of devaluation towards that person is present as a backdrop. This presupposes that we all have the same resources to face dangers and that some, despite having them, refuse to do so. They are called cowards. This belief is false because everyone has different resources

Fear says nothing about how many resources I have, but simply points out the disproportion between resources and threat

If I have a lot of resources, say 100%, and I live surrounded by dangers, say 200%, I will continuously live in fear. But if I have 10% resources and live surrounded by a threat level of only 5%, I will not be afraid.

Justified or unjustified?

Another erroneous attitude, linked to the previous ones, but which due to its frequency and importance deserves to be highlighted, is the one expressed in the statement: “This fear is unjustified!”

Phrases such as, “The house is safe”, “It cannot be that being an older person you are afraid of staying a few minutes alone” or “That fear is totally illogical …!”, Express the idea that the situation that is safe for one must be safe for all.

In this case, it is unknown what type of danger-resource disproportion the person who feels fear is dealing with. From ignorance we make those forceful affirmations that hurt those who listen to them, because they take away the reason for their fear and make them feel like someone with an incomprehensible abnormality.

Reactions to fear

Once I register a threat and experience fear, a second emotion arises which is my reaction to my fear. As a consequence of the preconceptions that we have just described, it is very common that feeling fear does not seem appropriate and I feel anger, shame, helplessness, guilt or fear for the simple fact of feeling it.

This second reaction, which is the inner response to fear, is of great importance because it is the other factor that depends on whether fear lessens or worsens. Returning to the example of Marta –who is afraid to speak in public–, to the initial feeling of fear of going up on stage, we add the fear of ridicule and failure, and shame.

Our internal dialogue

Going back to Marta’s case, after listening to her presentation of the problem, I said to Marta: “If that Marta, the one who feels the most fear, were in front of you, what would you say to her?” And looking towards that place, she said:

How can it be that you are afraid again? You are already 40 years old, you know the subject like nobody else … Stop fooling around and cheer up once and for all! Put on your best dress and get on that stage! I’m sick of you! Do what you have to do as an adult being because that is what you are ”.

Then I invited her to take the place of Marta with fear, to let in what she had just heard, to observe how she felt about all this and to elaborate an answer. After a few moments, he said:

“Don’t you realize that this way you scare me more? Do you think I like to be afraid? I would love to be able to give the lecture quietly and enjoy it, everyone applaud me. But I don’t feel in a position to do it and now I’m very sad and I want to disappear … ”.

The idea that there is an internal dialogue in which the protagonists speak to each other as two people may seem strange to the reader, but this happens all the time, although we do not perceive it as clearly as in the example.

Who has not ever been angry with himself or even ashamed for having been afraid?

This psychodramatic resource of internal dialogues was introduced by Gestalt psychotherapy and it is a tool of extraordinary value because it allows, in this case, the fearful part, to experience and express what they feel in a direct way and without the intervention of intermediaries.

Usually, we know our reaction to fear better than fear itself

In reality, we suffer a lot from our fearful part but we know and listen little.

The importance of knowing our weak side

In fact, Marta recognized what was happening to her fearful part because she entered there, became her for a moment and spoke from that very part.

If she hadn’t done that, the most likely thing is that she would have remained identified with the angry Marta, evaluating that the fearful part was only saying pure nonsense “nonsense” and that she had to be forced to give the lecture.

Fear continues to grow when this occurs even if it does not have overt manifestations. Although the same demand temporarily anesthetizes him, in reality it continues to increase … and one day, activated by some situation, perhaps a minor one, it bursts in with all the force of what is contained and manifests itself in that state, so frequent today, that we call crisis panic.

To cure fear is to transform dysfunctional fear into functional

To do this, it will help us to distinguish between the three main moments associated with fear:

• contact with the threat,
• the fear response
• and the inner reaction to the fear experienced.

The functionality or not of fear depends on how the last phase of this sequence is carried out, that is, on the quality of the inner responses that we produce in relation to the fear we feel.

Respect and affection

The capacity we have for self-transformation is enormous, but without wanting to, we can aggravate what we want to change. If, out of confusion and ignorance, we want to eliminate, destroy or ignore our fearful part, believing that it is the problem, we will initiate a negative vicious circle in which fear grows, just as it happened to Marta.

If we can listen to the fearful party with respect, she discovers what the problem is and what the path to its resolution is.

Let’s see how that learning took place in Marta’s session. When the fearful part confessed that it felt more terrified, and also sadder, I asked:

“Given that what you heard makes you like this, how do you imagine that you would need to be treated in order to feel genuinely helped?”

Marta was silent for a moment and then said to her demanding part:

“I need you not to despise me for being afraid. That you listen to me and put yourself in my place. That you understand me and accompany me with affection ”.

When we give the floor to the fearful part, it can say what hurts it, which in Marta’s case was being evaluated as a fool and being forced to do what she could not.

The next step in this learning process is to provide Marta with the possibility of embodying the person who offers that understanding inner treatment. For that I proposed: “I invite you to move a few centimeters to your side and here you try to become the one who offers that treatment. What would it be like to talk to the fearful part like that?

The alliance with phobias and fears

Marta stood in that place, took several deep breaths and, visibly moved, said:

“Stay calm… I know you want to give the lecture, but if you feel like you can’t, I’m not going to force you. If you are afraid it is because you are not ready yet, I want you to know that, whatever happens, I will accompany you. Between the two of us we will discover what is best for you … And I want you to know that you are not alone and that I trust you ”.

I suggested that she take the place of the fearful part again and see how it felt to be treated like this. After standing there, he said:

“I’m not used to being talked to like that … It makes me very good to hear you … The tightness in my chest goes away and I’m calmer. Hopefully this lasts because it makes me feel much more hopeful. “

Facing your fears is necessary, but not on the basis of willpower, ignoring or anesthetizing the fears. On the contrary, we must listen to them in order to generate protection resources against the dangers they are talking about. Thus, we will turn dysfunctional fear into functional, transforming it into our most precious ally. An emotion that allows us to achieve our desires while protecting us from an uncertain future.

8 steps to understand

If you feel any fear that anguishes and paralyzes you, that does not allow you to lead the life that you would like, I suggest that you carry out an experience similar to the one we did with Marta in consultation:

1. What scares you?

To begin with, try to identify what scares you and what you are afraid of: loneliness, rejection, abandonment, failure, ridicule …

2. Put a face on fear

When you find out, see how fearful you look. Draw on a paper or mentally a human figure that expresses it, so that you can perceive it better. For example, a teenager shivering in a corner or a child hiding between the sheets. Try to make the drawing convey, as faithfully as possible, how you feel internally when you perceive fear.

3. Talk to him

Imagine that aspect is in front of you. Squint your eyes as that will help you better connect with yourself and see what you feel when you see it, and what you think of it. And say it as if you were starting a dialogue. By doing so, you will be speaking from the part of you that disagrees with that fearful part, evaluates it negatively and wants to change it. At that moment, that demanding and directing part can be expressed in the following way: “What I feel when I see you is: …” and “What makes me want to do you is: …”.

4. Put yourself in their shoes

Imagine that, for a moment, you can put yourself in the skin of the fearful aspect. For this, it is very useful to change places and occupy the space where you imagined it. That will make it easier for you to enter that part of yourself. At this moment, the fearful part is expressed like this: “What I feel when I hear you is: …”.

5. How can you help yourself?

Also see if what you have heard helps you resolve the fear, leaves it the same or makes it worse. If it leaves the same or worse, describe how you would need to be treated to feel helped. At this moment, the fearful part is expressed like this: “What I need to receive from you is: …”.

6. Understand fear

Once you know how you can best assist your fearful part, move a few inches to your side to better perceive this new role. Try to become that being that gives the fearful party the treatment they requested. Keep your eyes closed or semi-closed, focus on the fearful part with your inner gaze and say so. At this moment, the inner assistant expresses himself thus: “What I want to tell you is: …”.

7. Check what you feel

Then take the place of the fearful part again, let in what you just heard and see how you feel.

8. Keep practicing

Remember that both the initial reaction towards the fearful part and the latter want to transform the fearful aspect. Perhaps the first one will not be able to do so due to ignorance about what to do. Clinical experience shows that the more the fearful party is consulted about what internal treatment it needs to receive, the more one learns from it and the more one is trained to assist it.

When that inner atmosphere of consultation and cooperation is achieved, the fearful part, feeling supported, finds the best conditions to calm down. And like any living organism, when operating with the “irrigation” appropriate to its possibilities at the moment, it grows and develops until it reaches the fullness within its reach.