Friendship Without Demands

Javier loved living outside the city, but enjoying the tranquility of his small town had a price: every morning he had to drive almost an hour to get to work.

During breakfast, he had sent a message to his friend José Luis trying to meet him. I had been chasing him for a long time. Lately, she had learned more about him from mutual friends or through social networks than from what they had been able to share face to face, and this made her uncomfortable. Just when he opened the car door, he received the answer: “Sorry, I’m very busy, I’ll call you …”.

Javier got upset. With an aggressive gesture, he turned off his cell phone. He was about to get into the car when he realized that by the passenger door an endearing older man was catching his eye. Javier questioned him with his eyes, and he asked him:

“Are you headed for the city?”

-Yes that’s how it is.

“Could you take me?” I’ve missed my bus …

Javier had no problem. He invited the man to get into the car and they headed for the city. Javier was absorbed, still annoyed by José Luis’s message, and spent the first few minutes without opening his mouth. His companion broke the ice to tell him:

—My name is Max and, if you allow me to be a patron of you, I really appreciate your taking me.

Javier suddenly came back to reality and realized how rude he was being.

—Excuse me, I’m Javier, and I’m sorry I’m not very communicative. I have received a message that I did not like anything and I am still upset …

-Something important?

“Just a friend who doesn’t know what friendship is.”

The comment was floating in the air. Max picked it up to ask:

“What was your sin?”

Javier, feeling a special confidence with that man who did not know how to explain, decided to tell him; at least he would vent.

—You see, Max, my friend José Luis and I have known each other for a long time. We had a professional meeting and since then we have been seeing each other. But I am always the one who pursues him, the one who tries to stay with him, the one who proposes all the initiatives. And not only does he not do anything to strengthen our friendship, but I often have the feeling that he ignores me. This week I have sent him several messages to meet him and he gets me off my back.

“And this must disappoint you …

-Definitely. With everything I do and fight for our friendship I find his attitude unfair, and his lack of interest bothers me.

Max reflected for a moment, before launching his provocative message:

“What if it turns out that he doesn’t want the same thing you do?”

-Sorry but I do not understand you.

—You see, there are very different friendships among people: some with a lot of contact, others sporadic; some of great depth and others more superficial. And whatever those relationships are, the important thing is that they only work if they are based on the most absolute freedom.

Max let that idea land on Javier’s mind and continued his thesis.

—In every friendship, once expectations appear, disappointments lurk around the corner. And the relationship will be difficult to sustain. You expect a certain level of friendship from José Luis, and it may not be the one he wants. That disappoints you and he probably isn’t comfortable. He will easily end up running away …

Javier stirred at that idea. For him, a friendship was a reciprocal relationship, no more, no less. Max, catching her unease, hastened to add:

“You can have a friend with whom you only share a few moments a year.” And you can have another friend with whom you share many hours of contact. The second relationship is not necessarily better than the first; it’s just different. Because what you have with the first friend is probably what he is comfortable sharing. And since he is comfortable, the moments you share will be authentic and valuable for both of you.

Javier was beginning to realize what Max was trying to communicate to him. Perhaps he was forcing his relationship with José Luis beyond what the other wanted, or could. And that was a risk. However, he also felt that the concept of friendship implied a certain work to cultivate it. He asked:

“Max, I understand what you’re saying, but is no one supposed to do anything in a friendship then?” Should we leave everything to the accident of what happens?

“No, it wouldn’t work.” Relationships need work, you have to dedicate time and care to them. And if no one does anything for that relationship, it fades and dies. What happens is that this work can never go against the freedom of the other, it cannot force what the other wants to give us or it can simply give us, for his life, for his circumstances, for the moment in which he is or for your desire.

Suddenly the pieces fell into place in Javier’s mind. He knew what he had to do: work on his friendships, but being especially sensitive to what the other person wanted. This was the key point that he had failed to grasp. They reached the city and at a traffic light he asked Max:

“By the way, where are you going?”

“If you leave me right here, it’s fine for me.”

Max came downstairs, and when he had closed the door, Javier thought he might have asked her if she wanted to go back to him. She tried to locate him with her eyes to call him, but was unable. He had literally disappeared. With the sensation of having lived a dream, and at the green traffic light, he started towards his office.